General Announcement to Pug Dogs

1. Dogs are naturally crepuscular. This term refers to a species which is active at twilight, that is to say, at dawn and at dusk. (Cf. the more familiar terms nocturnal and diurnal, referring to animals which are active mainly at night and mainly during the day.)

2. This is a natural feature of dogs which makes them a suitable species for domestication as companion animals by a species such as my own, which naturally pursues full-time work outside the home.

3. Therefore, even if I am working at home, it is appropriate for you to expect entertainment in the evening when the workday is over.

4. So please LIE DOWN and stop jumping up with anticipation every time I get up from the computer. Thank you.

General Annoucement to Pug Dogs

When I am lying in bed in the morning trying to sleep, if you absolutely must lick your foot, PLEASE do so without making that UNGODLY RACKET. I know that this is possible, because I have licked my own paw for comparison purposes and it is UTTERLY SILENT.

Thank you.

General Announcement to Number Two Pug Dog

I am trying to write a convincing paragraph about how most rescue dogs are not given up because they have problems, but because their owners do. This would be easier if you were not dancing around the room like a lunatic, flopping on the floor, chasing your tail, and licking my hand.

Thank you.

Note: The thing where you stand there with your chin resting on the couch is merely weird, not problematic, so feel free to continue.

General Announcement to Pug Dogs

When I am lying in bed between 7 and 7:30 AM, the following actions do NOT signal that I am about to get up and feed you:

1. Turning over

2. Yawning

3. BREATHING. Please note this one carefully.

4. Pulling the blanket over my head

5. Yelling from under the blanket, "I work at home, I don't have to get up this early!"

In the future, when I perform any of these actions, please MAINTAIN YOUR POSITIONS. There is NO NEED to leap up and seize the day until I indicate this clearly by placing my feet on the floor.

Thank you.

General Annoucement to Hotel Proprietors

If you're going to give someone a 4:45 AM wakeup call, could please you be damned sure you're calling the right room? Thank you.

General Annoucement to Pug Dogs

Bowls are designed for the purpose of holding food while you eat it. Beds are designed for sleeping on. There is no possible advantage to removing food from the bowl to the bed to eat it. Please refrain from this unsanitary practice in the future. Thank you.

General Announcement to Other Humans in the Bed

If a pug is snoring, please feel free to poke it by yourself. It is not necessary to wake me up and tell me to poke the pug because it is snoring. I have no special skills or qualifications in this area that exceed your own abilities. Thank you.

General Announcement to Pug Dogs

I know it's cold, but it is simply not possible for me to work on the laptop computer with a pug on my lap. Please stop looking at me that way and go curl up under a blanket like you would if I left the house and worked in an office. Thank you.

General Announcement to PR People

If your name and phone number are listed as PR manager on the website of a major national organization, you might want to consider answering the phone "Hello, this is Name, Major National Organization."

As opposed to, "Hello?"

Seriously. We didn't even answer that way at the Reptile House, where outside people had no way of getting our phone number. Isn't this basic business etiquette?

General Announcement to Pug Dogs

There is no conceivable circumstance in which a pug dog would leave even a single edible molecule behind in a food bowl. This should be obvious to both of you via a moment of reflection upon your own behavior. Therefore, it is not necessary to run to each other's bowls after every meal to lick them clean. It is absolutely certain that there will never be anything left in the other pug's bowl. Thank you.

General Announcement to PR People

Note: When you send out a press release or pitch a story, the whole idea is to get reporters to call you up and ask to interview the person you talk about in the press release. Therefore, could you please make sure that the person is not going on vacation the day that you plan to send out the release?

General Announcement to Pug Dogs

OK, I know that the reason you get so excited and happy when I'm about to leave the house is because you're about to get a Goodbye Cookie. But do you think you could tone it down a little? It doesn't exactly make me feel loved, you know?

General Announcement to Book Reviewers

I am tired of reading reviews of mysteries (or pseudo-mysteries) in which you're told that you're supposed to want to read the book because it's better than the whole rest of the genre - that it really has good characters, or that it's well written, or, like one recent example, that it's worth re-reading. As if it's incredibly unusual and surprising for a mystery to have these qualities.

I am hereby officially refusing to buy any book reviewed this way. And not just out of annoyance. I actually LIKE the genre. So why would I want to take the advice of a reviewer who apparently thinks that the genre is crap? Obviously we don't like the same thing, never mind the possibility that the reviewer actually has no idea what standards are applicable.

While I'm at it, let's include any book where the publicity makes a big point out of the fact that the author's previous books were not mysteries, implying that s/he is a REAL novelist.

General Announcement to Pug Dogs

I am unable to imagine a circumstance in which, having asked one pug to vacate the kitchen, I would need that pug to be immediately replaced by another one. Therefore you may safely assume that the request applies to all pugs in the vicinity.

General Announcement to PR People

If you have to keep repeating "I'm not telling you how to write your story but...," then YES, you ARE telling me how to write my story.

General announcement: Laws of Physics

I don't know whether all the drivers in the DC area have Spring fever or what, but it's obvious that some clarification is needed:

It is a fundamental law of the universe that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. So STAY IN YOUR OWN DAMN LANE.

General Announcement to Pug Dogs

You are never going to get dinner at 4:15, no matter how much you whine and dance. When I get up from the computer between 4 and 5 in the afternoon, you can assume that I am going to the bathroom, or making a cup of tea, or doing the laundry. I am not getting up to feed you, so it is a waste of energy to get hysterical.

Thank you.