Important zoo safety advice

To err is human

Today, for a second, I thought I'd lost a Panamanian golden frog at the Reptile House. It's hard to explain what a sickening feeling that is. Fortunately, it was just hiding on the side under the lip of a jar, no doubt laughing at me, but I actually ought to thank it for reminding me to have a sense of perspective.

A couple months ago I got the name of something slightly wrong in a story, and they had to run a correction, and it was a huge mortifying deal that made me and everyone look bad, and I was miserable and felt like a huge idiot, etc. It is important to remember at a moment like that - at least, in the work I do now, I can't kill anything. The worst mistake I can make is still really no big deal in comparison.

I used to think of something similar when I taught linguistics. One of the good things about my field, instead of teaching, say, medicine, or how to build bridges, was this: when a linguistic theory fails catastrophically, no blood is shed. I could be sure that none of my students was ever going to accidentally kill anyone using the material I had taught them.

Well, unless someone died of boredom, of course.

And just in case there aren't enough animal magazine articles...

I have a very pretty article in the magazine that the zoo puts out. That link is to the web version but it's still pretty nice-looking.

Since I mostly have written for newspapers and the web, and before that, boring old black and white academic journals, I am still easily fooled into thinking I sound more brilliant on shiny paper surrounded by color pictures.

On the road

Here are some of the exciting animals we did not see at the zoo in Providence, RI:

Babirusa (butt disappearing into cave)
Mara (one ear flutter barely visible in cave if you crouched down at the right angle at the right moment)
Binturong (great exhibit where you could crawl under and stick your head up one of those clear plastic bubble right in there with the binturong, if it hadn't been hiding)

We had the perfect timing to see a sloth actually moving in one indoor exhibit but otherwise that one was all, like, saki monkeys and GLTs, which I have had enough of for a lifetime and never liked that much in the first place.

They did have some great tropical birds - but the main effect of that was just to make me think that my life would be richer if I could manage to give a shit about birds. Sadly, I just can't.

Bare keepers

OK, I guess I'm actually kind of glad that all the zoos I've worked for were too stuffy to have an idea like this. I really wouldn't want so much of my skin exposed to all those sharp claws.

Dudley Zoo (UK) keepers strip for fundraising calendar

At the Zoo

I'm writing an article for the zoo magazine about enrichment. Here's some stuff for the sloth bear, ready to be filled with mulch and such with treats hidden inside. The bears don't care if it looks pretty as long as it's fun to dig in.

Today's Hell in a Handbasket Report

On July 2, the Washington Post ran a couple of pictures of frogs that I know personally from the Reptile House. They misidentified the species of one of them, despite giving a description of that species in the caption that didn't match the frog in the photo. The caption also said the pictures were taken at Amazonia, despite the fact that neither were South American species, which should have given someone pause.

I wrote to them to point this out, but apparently they have decided it was not important enough to run a printed correction. In contrast with the following:

· A Reliable Source item in the July 1 Style section incorrectly described Kansas City Barbeque in San Diego as the site of the scene in "Top Gun" in which Tom Cruise sang "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling." Kansas City Barbeque was the site of the scene in which Kelly McGillis played the song on a jukebox, but Cruise's singing scene was set in a different bar.

Yup, that's clearly more important than scientific facts about nature. Who could argue?

My dysfunctional relationship with a certain institution

As I mentioned in this post, I took this temporary job at the zoo hoping it would cure me of wanting to work there.

It worked. It's no fun anymore. It's gotten to the point that the management has sucked all the joy out of it.

So, I had come up with various plans to really dive into trying to make a full-time thing out of writing, now that I have a year's worth of respectable clips to send around. I have scary plans for a book proposal. I have a lot of projects I want to get started on.

I even decided to quit the job a little early, because now we're overstaffed and they really don't need me anymore.

So on my last day, it's 4.15, and I say, hey, I'm leaving a little early, what are they going to do, fire me?

The phone rings. It's another curator - one that I have always wanted to work for - asking if I could temp for him till the end of July.

I asked various questions about the situation (hours, computer access) assuming that I'd be able to say, oh sorry, I can't keep up my writing gigs if I do that, but thanks anyway.

But he was desperate enough that he told me the answers that I wanted to hear.

So I stammered and he said think about it and call me next week.

I DON'T want this job. I especially don't want it right now. But I would have killed for it at any number of times in the past.

I'm going to say no, after taking a couple of days to come to terms with it, but it's not easy. Are they ever going to stop &*%$ing with me????

You can't make this stuff up. If I put this bit of timing in fiction, I'd be told it wasn't believable.

There are no atheists in federal workplaces

The other day I heard the following radio call:

"Kim to Jesus."

And I thought, hey, maybe I should try that!

Unfortunately, I had to conclude from the rest of the transmission that the word had actually been cheetahs.

Big disappointment. Because they still haven't come to change the bulbs in that room where I'm working with snakes practically in the dark - what I need is someone who can just come in and say "Let there be light!"

At the Zoo

People, think about it. In the wild, when a tortoise accidentally finds itself upside-down, who comes running to turn it over?

It's not an emergency. Just go about your visit. Thanks.

At the Zoo

Another suggestion for zoo visitors that I left out of my earlier post:

See those fancy signs with the nice graphics that are posted near each exhibit? They cost the zoo a whole lot of money. When your child asks you what animal that is, could you just humor us by taking a quick glance at the sign before you make up an answer?

Thanks.

Go ahead, Dooce me

OK, I have been avoiding making snarky rude posts about work. But I'm only a temp. What are they going to do, make me leave in six weeks?

So, here's the new zoo vehicle policy, instituted after an uproar about the previous new policy which banned driving on the zoo paths after 10 am, which means you can't haul or deliver anything.

When unavoidable with work or special requirements, vehicles can be driven in the park after 10 am with these conditions: slow and careful driving with an escort (person walking in front of the vehicle).
The escort must have a bright colored vest and mild noisemaker/bell...

At first I didn't see what was the problem with this policy. But then I realized that they would probably fire me for swinging the bell and calling "Bring out your dead...."

(Dooce: to lose one's job because of one's website.)

Blessed event

Look at this snake:



Now look at this snake with my fingers!



So cute and tiny!

Here's another:



These are baby green tree pythons born about a week ago. There might be a link over to the right there to a story I wrote on green tree pythons. If it's gone, there's an illegal copy of it at the end of this thread.

At the Zoo

After two weeks of the busy spring break season, I have come up with the following helpful list for zoo visitors.

Be kind to your local zookeeper! Please:

1. Do not tap on the glass. No, actually it doesn't bother the animals, but it drives us CRAZY. And cleaning your fingerprints off the glass is the least rewarding part of this profession.

2. Remember that you are the ten thousandth person this weekend to ask me where the bathrooms are. I'm answering as patiently as humanly possible under the circumstances.

3. If I am holding a snake in my bare hands and talking to people in the public hallway, ask me if the snake is venomous. I need a good laugh.

Reptile delinquents

This is a gang of juvenile leopard tortoises with stockings over them. Obviously they are getting ready to rob a bank. I managed to sneak up on them and snap a picture with my cell phone, to be used as evidence later.

OK, no, actually they are being shipped to California in a box, but that doesn't sound nearly as exciting.

At the Zoo

I seem to be working full time at the zoo again. I didn't mention it here for a few days in the hope that I would wake up and it would all be a dream. But apparently it is not.

It is only another temporary job, fortunately, and I am hoping it will finally be the one that cures me of wanting to be in this business. Wish me luck.

RIP

This Asian water dragon at the Reptile House died on Monday. She was ancient, 19 years old, probably close to the maximum possible lifespan. We all thought she was sweet, because she was kind of blind and helpless and we had to hand-feed her earthworms behind the back of her former regular keeper who we didn't think spoiled her adequately.

No, she didn't have a name. That's something mammal people do. In fact reptile keepers often don't even use the English species name, but the Latin name instead. Sentimental fools.